I’m sitting in the garden on the most glorious of winter mornings. The sun is warming my face from a clear blue sky. A thick hoarfrost is slowly creeping away from the fence line as the sun’s rays meet the ground. A transpirational mist is ascending across the lawn.
I have the dog at my feet, coffee in hand and bacon s’wich by my side. As I raise my face up to the sun and close my eyes, all is well in my world and I am happy!
The dog then tries to pinch my bacon, the coffee cup’s a gonna and all hell breaks loose; in that fleeting moment my peace is shattered and my acquisition of happiness gone … ! We’d already had words earlier about my need for a little personal space, he is however ever loving and ever faithful but ever PRESENT around my legs and my food!
His happiness comes from sticks, bones, food and being with his humans. I see him most happy when we’ve been separated for more than 30 mins! In my conversation with him earlier I’d explained my need for him to stop following me, go away and perhaps lie down or go outside, his face fell. Those big puppy dog eyes drooped, his tail dropped and head hung low – my guilt gave him a big hug and he was happy again.
Is he a happy dog? Most definitely! Is he happy all the time, certainly not, but he can ping back into happiness at the drop of a hat. He’s a smiler, big time and it’s lovely to see him greeting anyone and everyone with that big toothy grin. Are all dogs like this? No they are not.
So, is happiness nature or nurture and what exactly does ‘HAPPY’ mean anyway??
Seriously I’m asking you … ‘What does happiness mean … to you?’
For some it’s a long term aspiration – ‘I just want to be happy’ an easily achievable goal and not too much to ask yet often quietly elusive. For others their happiness lies in the ‘moment’, that mindful appreciation of a bacon sarnie in the sun WITHOUT a dog by your side!
Shawn Achor the Positive Psychology guy from Harvard who wrote ‘Before Happiness’ considers that happier people have a strong sense of community, deep social connection and bond with others – that translates as having people around you to support, encourage, listen and laugh with, often commonly known as friends!
This doesn’t necessarily JUST mean beer buddies or your racket partner. It means a network of people you can rely on, depend on, be of service to and share with. By nature, we are not soloists, we are pack animals like dogs, wolves – groups with hierarchies that each have a role to play. The workmate who lets you cry on their shoulder, the friend who gives you a kick up the arse when you need it, the sibling who always laughs at your jokes! Simplified this may be, but necessary for us all to effectively self-express.
The Human spirit must grow and evolve consciously by way of experience and ultimately wisdom. We cannot do this being alone, isolated or feeling confined within ourselves.
Happiness was defined by the Ancient Greeks as ‘The Joy that we feel striving towards our potential.’
I get that. I’m a person who feels a deep need for purpose and meaning like fulfilling my potential and being of service. If I don’t feel I’m fulfilling that role in some great or small way, it causes all sorts of problems within me.
Some people are certainly more naturally happy than others which can be attributed to some extent by their genetics. Some are more naturally inclined to be less happy – again, perhaps genetics play a part but also so does nurture.
If you were a child who had less demonstration of unconditional love or support primarily in your formative years, less attention or a higher than average directed aggression towards you, then there is evidence to show you are more inclined to a depressive state. It is evidential due to the effects on your brain’s neural responses and connections which increase your susceptibility to being on a ‘downer’. Brain stuff aside, we can’t ignore the impact that low self esteem has on our wellbeing.
Good news however, this CAN be changed!!
We can ‘learn’ to be happy which means you have a choice. It won’t come straight away but like a muscle you’ve gotta work it to make it stronger! We can stimulate certain neural responses in our brains which can in turn promote a sense of purpose and meaning which contribute significantly to our long term levels of happiness.
Without this sounding like a cliché, Mr Achor states that one of the best ways to begin achieving happiness is GRATITUDE. Now I know some of you may be rolling your eyes, thinking for ‘Flips sake … Gratitude? Sick of seeing and hearing about bloody gratitude, it’s all over those annoying quotes on social media and spiritual self help stuff!!’
Have you ever considered it/they may just be right?
When we begin to find, recognize and acknowledge some of the positive factors in our lives, not only does our brain respond and in turn our nervous and endocrine system (think hormones) but our energetic vibration responds too. We slowly begin to shift from a negative state to a positive state on a physical, mental, emotional AND energetic level – that’s what I would call a win/win situation right?!
Gratitude journals are a good start – finishing your day by writing about what you’re grateful for that day. Get into the feelings – how being grateful makes you feel, for example …
‘My boss told me I did a great job today, I’m so grateful he/she acknowledged my work. I feel appreciated and important within the team, like I’m worth something … ‘
OR
‘I was able to ride my bike to work today which helped me feel energized and healthy. It also gave me a sense of strength and freedom knowing that my body is able to provide these things for my mind …’
If you can’t feel gratitude for anything, then imagine what you would be grateful for IF you could feel gratitude. Find new stuff every day.
Each day we wake up, we can start afresh, a chance to begin again. If your mind shifts straight into the negative, haul yourself up by consciously saying that although those thoughts are there, you are CHOOSING not to engage with them this morning. Instead you will choose 3 thoughts of gratitude and learn to feel the positivity they bring.
I am not undermining severe or clinical depression, I’m talking about how to help yourself get happier. Beginning a gratitude practice is a good start … so is getting rid of the stuff in your life that makes you ‘unhappy’.
Continuing with Mr Archor’s work, he considers the opposite of happy is not unhappy but rather apathy. That deep sense of removal and lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern with people, things or life. When you’re feeling ‘happy’ it’s much easier to become enthused about things and vice versa when you’re not. This is rather a good gauge for determining just how unhappy you really are.
Take successful people for example – successful people are not necessarily happy, however, happy people tend to be more successful. If you are enthused, interested and concerned with things you are more likely to give it some positive attention. We all know the old adage of success doesn’t necessarily make you happy. It is a “moving target” which shifts with our aspirations. Think of success as a by-product of happiness practice!
So if you think or feel that you are unhappy, then reflect … Are you surrounded by a strong and supportive community of family, friends or people? Did you feel you got what you needed emotionally as a child – and that’s not by other people’s standards? Are you able to step into a space of gratitude for all the positive things in your life … is it time to declutter the stuff that doesn’t help you move towards happiness?
Happiness is not a constant state; we will always have fluctuations in moods, feelings, situations and circumstances of life. It’s how quickly you bounce back which determines your level of happiness. Be aware however that scientifically speaking, naturally depressive people can ‘learn’ to become happy people which also means there’s no better time to start than now!
So like my dog, seek out the good stuff whether cuddles, bacon … bones …and notice what fills you up and makes you feel happy, however fleeting. In the words of Elizabeth Gilbert “Inhale the good shit. Exhale the bullshit.”
I’m off to have a bacon sarnie in the sun minus the dog!
Happy camping folks 😉
Steph ♥
The Hummingbird Diaries 