I used to be scared of the dark, in fact I used to be scared of many things … fear ruled my life.

I wasn’t fearful of daredevil stuff like sky diving … I still am, but that wasn’t it. I was fearful of facing ‘my fears’ or fearful of accepting my fears.

I had a strong sense of inadequacy until I turned thirty. It wasn’t my capabilities that were inadequate but me, as a person. I considered myself a shy, sensitive child until I hit my mid teens, then I got tough – but only on the outside!

I wasn’t going to let anyone see that vulnerability; that sensitivity that had got me pushed around, had lost me friends and didn’t know how to say NO.

Little things became big issues as I got older … going into the sea, driving distances on my own, sleeping in the dark … showing the real me, and hiding my vulnerability. I was fearful of life but I was also fearful of my fears and I hated me for feeling so debilitated by my limitations. My life became defined by my fears yet I pushed myself too far in other areas in order to over compensate for these inadequacies and ‘prove’ myself. This meant that no one could see or say that I was weak or fearful or that I lacked confidence. In doing this I was crippling myself.

I’ve wondered about the nature v nurture of these fears and whether my sensitivity made the little things seem so incredibly large? My life story doesn’t matter, my childhood irrelevant, I see the ‘story’ as a way to justify the behaviour and that’s unnecessary. I see my story as my script for life where I now choose to write the ending however I please.
The self-protection I placed around myself to hide my vulnerability means that no one saw the real me. They saw my select, modified version of what I wanted them to see, how I wanted to be perceived.

I thought I could stop myself from being hurt – it didn’t work. Now that I’ve reached my 40’s and looked into the deep recesses of my soul, I can see how much time I’ve spent working to un-do all the self-protection I’d put in place. I now see how hard it’s been to realise, understand and accept this about myself and how hard it’s been to let people see me vulnerable and needy.

I’d told myself that to be vulnerable is to be weak. When I was vulnerable people preyed on it; I know now that it’s because I’d allowed it. I’d accepted myself as nothing less than weak, needy and vulnerable and that’s the message I put out to the world. I didn’t help myself in the process, I was still all those things inside it’s just that I wouldn’t let people see it in me – until I decided to change it.

This façade of strength and capability created my self protection. It also meant I couldn’t be a true expression of Me. I was a lie; a lie I didn’t know how to get out of. How do you say to someone ‘the person you think I am, actually isn’t me at all. It’s a modified version which I’ve engineered to become untouchable’. I became tired of being the person people thought they knew instead of the person I knew myself to be. There were expectations of mental and emotional strength beyond my capacity. People became too dependent on my capabilities and that resulted in too much internal pressure … basically I tried to do it all, be it all and for everyone and the person suffering the most was me.

Life then threw me some BIG challenges and I became angry, at EVERYTHING … life, family, the Universe … GOD. I didn’t see the source of it, I thought it was everyone else, their limitations, their lack of capability and support for me – how could they ALL be so unsupportive and inconsiderate? Maybe in some ways they were but I had both allowed and encouraged it!

This actually was just a deflection again of my vulnerability, a way of not looking inwards or having to be needy … I was needy! I needed help, I needed support, WHY couldn’t those around me see it? Because I wouldn’t allow it, hadn’t ever allowed it in my adult years. I had kept myself closed, self-protected (supposedly) and completely self-reliant. Instead, I ‘Self’ combusted into a rage against the machine of life!

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